Have you ever felt like you were living life with the wrong map? Perhaps you’ve only recently been diagnosed with ADHD or autism well into adulthood. If so, you might be experiencing a complex mix of emotions, including grief for the “lost potential” of a life lived differently. You are not alone.
In my work as the AudHD Boss, I’ve had the opportunity to connect with many individuals who share this experience. We often discuss the unique challenges and triumphs of navigating the world with ADHD and autism, particularly in the workplace. But today, I want to delve into the grieving process that often follows a late diagnosis.
Understanding Grief: It’s Not Just About Loss
Grief is a word we often associate with death or significant loss. However, grief is fundamentally about processing change. When we receive a late diagnosis of ADHD or autism, we may grieve:
- The life we thought we would have.
- Opportunities that seemed lost or out of reach.
- The frustration and self-doubt we endured for so long.
It’s important to understand that grieving is not the same as giving up. It’s a necessary process that allows us to acknowledge our feelings, make sense of our experiences, and ultimately move forward. As I often say, “Grieving is processing.”
The “What If’s” and the Search for Meaning
One of the most common aspects of this grieving process is the tendency to dwell on “what ifs.” We might find ourselves wondering:
- What if I had known about my ADHD/autism sooner?
- How would my life have been different?
- What could I have achieved?
These questions are natural, but it’s crucial to avoid getting stuck in a cycle of regret. While it’s important to acknowledge our past experiences, we must also focus on the present and the future. We must recognize that even with the challenges, our experiences have shaped who we are, and we can still create meaningful lives going forward.
From Frustration to Strength: Finding a New Path
In the past, I often found myself asking, “What’s wrong with me?” when faced with challenges that seemed easy for others. A late diagnosis can provide answers, but it can also bring up painful memories of self-doubt and frustration. It’s okay to grieve the energy spent on self-loathing. I am learning to forgive myself for the struggles I endured before understanding my neurodivergence. It’s a process, not an event.
Now, I choose to focus on moving forward, equipped with new knowledge and tools. A late diagnosis can be a key that unlocks a toolbox of resources, strategies, and support systems. We can learn to:
- Identify our needs and seek appropriate accommodations.
- Break down overwhelming tasks into manageable steps.
- Communicate our needs effectively to others.
- Connect with a community of like-minded individuals.
Unmasking and Self-Acceptance: Embracing Your Authentic Self
A late diagnosis can also prompt a process of “unmasking.” For years, many of us have learned to hide our autistic or ADHD traits to fit in. Unmasking involves shedding these facades and embracing our authentic selves. This process can be both liberating and challenging. As we become more comfortable with who we are, we may need to let go of relationships, goals, or expectations that no longer serve us. This can be a part of the grieving process, but it ultimately paves the way for greater happiness and fulfillment.
A Journey, Not a Destination
The grieving process is not linear, and it doesn’t happen overnight. There will be ups and downs, moments of sadness, and moments of resilience. Be kind to yourself, seek support when needed, and celebrate your strengths. Remember that you are not alone, and there is a community of people who understand what you’re going through. By sharing our stories, supporting one another, and focusing on our unique strengths, we can navigate the complexities of a late diagnosis and create a future that is both fulfilling and authentic.