In my ongoing series on autistic burnout, I’m drawing inspiration from Dr. Megan Anna Neff’s book, “The Autistic Burnout Workbook“. I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Neff about the book and the concepts within it. After getting my own copy, I was eager to dive in, and the chapter on masking particularly resonated with me.
The “Aha Moment” of Masking
For me, understanding autistic masking was a major turning point. It was the key that unlocked my understanding of my own autism. Since then, I’ve been on a journey of unmasking. In this article, I’ll recap some of the key points about masking from Dr. Neff’s work, share my own experiences with unmasking, and discuss the nuances of what Dr. Neff calls the “double-edged sword” of masking.
What is Autistic Masking?
Autistic masking, essentially, is a skill that many of us learn early on, often unconsciously, especially those of us who are late-diagnosed. It involves suppressing autistic traits, mannerisms, and other characteristics that make us autistic.
Masking can manifest in various ways, such as mimicking other people’s behavior. We might do this because we feel shame or because we quickly realize that we need to hide these aspects of ourselves in neurotypical spaces. This is often a safety mechanism, a way to protect our identity, our psyche, and our mental health. Over years, especially before an autism diagnosis, this masking builds up.
Dr. Neff writes about this buildup as a dam that can eventually burst, as masking prevents us from self-soothing and being our authentic selves. This can lead to intense overwhelm and, significantly, burnout.
Examples of Masking
Masking involves hiding parts of yourself, your identity, your true self. For me, a common form of masking was studying and imitating others, something I called “studying to be human” from a very young age. I would watch TV shows and sitcoms to learn how to respond in social situations. I also observed other kids and adults, picking up on different behaviors.
If I admired someone, whether on TV or in real life, I would adopt their traits, mannerisms, or ways of thinking. In my mind, I was creating a sort of “character menu”. Sometimes these traits stuck, but often they faded away when I was no longer around the person I was imitating.
One example is how I would develop a British accent when I visited the UK. It was unintentional and difficult to turn off, resulting in a strange American-British accent.
Masking also includes studying body language to anticipate what’s happening in a social situation. In new social or work environments, I tend to be very quiet initially. During this time, I’m observing the dynamics, seeing what’s working and what’s not, and figuring out where I fit in, how much to mask, and what’s safe to share.
Another form of masking is rehearsing conversations, scripting out what to say, preparing sound bites, and practicing in the mirror. Assimilation is another type of masking, where we adapt our personality to fit any situation. I used to be the “middle person” in school, able to fit into any group.
Sometimes, masking involves overcompensating by helping others with their needs and accommodations, while suppressing our own. This can happen unconsciously, but repeatedly suppressing our own needs and feelings contributes to burnout. Masking can also lead to a disconnection from our own feelings and needs, making it difficult to recognize when we’re hungry, thirsty, or uncomfortable.
I’ve noticed that as I unmask, I become more in tune with my feelings, likes, and dislikes. An important part of the unmasking process is to identify what brings you joy and pleasure and to lean into those things.
Masking as a Survival Technique
Ultimately, masking behaviors are survival techniques, ways to protect ourselves. We learn them, often unconsciously, because we were made to feel that certain things about ourselves were wrong or shameful.
However, constantly maintaining this performance is exhausting. It requires recovery time and strategies to prepare for situations where masking is necessary.
Finding Your True Self
Separately, the book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Dr. Lindsay Gibson discusses finding your true self. This concept is also explored in “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Dr. Lindsay Gibson, which describes the “role self” (which I equate to masking) and the “true self”. The “role self” is the persona we adopt to please others, but eventually, it becomes unsustainable.
The true self will eventually emerge because the performance can’t be maintained indefinitely, especially after a lifetime of masking. Your body will eventually demand that you figure out who you are, how to exist authentically in the world, and what your needs are.
It’s about the need to express our natural selves, which we’ve suppressed for so long. We need to explore how to stim, play, self-soothe, rest, and navigate the world in a way that allows us to get our needs met.
The more I identify my needs and find ways to meet them, the more I unmask. For example, coming out later in life allowed my true self to emerge after years of being closeted. That process of coming out initiated my unmasking, pushing me to recognize and address my needs.
Unmasking and identity work is an ongoing journey of releasing shame and guilt and giving myself what I need. Dr. Neff emphasizes that you don’t have to unmask for everyone; it’s about finding spaces where you can be your true self.
“The Autistic Burnout Workbook” includes exercises for unmasking in safe spaces, allowing you to explore your likes, dislikes, and self-soothing techniques. This process can be emotional, with surges of emotion as you finally meet needs that have been unmet for years.
The Impact of Masking on Self-Perception
When we’re masking, often unconsciously, we might experience self-doubt and negative self-perception. I often felt this way, especially early in my career and in school.
Understanding masking, ADHD, and autism, and recognizing my suppressed needs, has helped me forgive myself for needing a different approach. Without this understanding, self-doubt can creep in, telling you that you’re not smart enough or good enough, which simply isn’t true. It’s about giving yourself permission to accept that you need a different way.
This disconnection from yourself can increase vulnerability to PTSD, depression, anxiety, and mood disorders.
Unmasking Techniques
Dr. Neff’s “Autistic Burnout Workbook” provides various techniques and ideas for unmasking. It’s important to be honest with yourself and challenge knee-jerk reactions, as fawning and prioritizing others often suppress our own feelings and needs.
Personally, I find it helpful to talk to myself out loud in a safe, private space.
One key technique is developing interoceptive awareness, which involves becoming more aware of your body’s signals. Dr. Neff suggests simple exercises like holding a warm or cold glass to notice the sensation. Body scans, where you focus on the sensations in different parts of your body, are also helpful. Another technique is focusing on your heartbeat. While I find that particular exercise challenging, as it can lead to hyperfocus, there are many other exercises in the book.
The book includes exercises for exploring play, self-soothing tools, and gentle unmasking techniques to help you understand yourself better and connect with your true self. It also suggests reflecting on what you enjoyed playing as a child to reconnect with those activities as an adult.
This work takes time, patience, and self-compassion.
Planning for Masking Situations
Dr. Neff also advises having a plan for situations where you know you’ll need to mask, such as social events, family gatherings, or work functions. This plan should include recovery time, opportunities for breaks, and accommodations you can provide yourself beforehand.
If you, like me, often have to mask, having a plan is essential. I always schedule downtime after events and identify when I can take breaks. I also keep conversation topics in mind and bring fidgets with me.
Resources:
For tools on exploring unmasking and more, be sure to check out all the free and paid resources at: https://neurodivergentinsights.com
And be sure to use code: AUDHDBOSS at Neurodivergent Insights for a discount on paid resources.
Dr. Neff’s “Autistic Burnout Workbook”: https://bookshop.org/a/108800/9781507… 
Neurodivergent Insights (Dr. Neff’s website): https://neurodivergentinsights.com
Discount code for Dr. Neff’s digital tools: AUDHDBOSS
Conclusion
I hope this overview of masking and unmasking, drawing from Dr. Neff’s work and my own experiences, has been helpful. You can find more information on Dr. Neff’s website, Neurodivergent Insights, and in “The Autistic Burnout Workbook”.
Dr. Neff also has digital workplace tools and resources on their website.
Another book that I found helpful in understanding the masking and unmasking process is “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Dr. Lindsay Gibson. While it doesn’t specifically address neurodivergence, it explores similar concepts related to the role self and the true self. It’s a powerful book and I recommend reading it in small increments to allow for processing time.