Self-esteem has been complicated for me as an AuDHD adult. Before I understood my brain, I’d hit these walls in school and work and immediately go to: What is wrong with me? Why can’t I do the thing?
What made it confusing is that I could also excel. I could go deep into what I cared about. I could understand things other people couldn’t see. But I couldn’t test well. I failed a lot of tests. I did horribly on my SATs—yet I can tell you everything you’d ever want to know about directing a television news broadcast.
That mismatch messed with my self-esteem for a long time—because I didn’t have context.
AuDHD can feel like its own unique thing
AuDHD tends to be its own unique thing, because sometimes it’s not quite ADHD, and sometimes it’s not quite autism. But when they’re working together inside your brain, challenges can show up in ways that feel very specific to AuDHD.
For me, getting my autism + ADHD diagnosis helped because it gave me a framework for why certain struggles kept showing up—especially in the workplace.
Strengths, struggles, and imposter syndrome
In the corporate workplace, I had areas where I could absolutely thrive. I could see the strategy. I could see the content plan. I could see the thing clearly.
And then there were other workplace realities that drained me—certain meetings I could not function through, boredom that would completely derail me, and tasks that just did not work for my brain.
That gap can create intense imposter syndrome. I’ve had those thoughts:
- Did my boss promote the wrong person?
- Should I even be in this role?
- What am I doing here?
Leadership training helped me learn how to be a good manager and put the humanity of leadership first. But it didn’t automatically fix the self-esteem part.
The diagnosis shift: “a different way in”
After my AuDHD diagnosis, I could finally see why certain struggles showed up. I could see which parts were autism traits and which parts were AuDHD. And I could also see strengths—AuDHD strengths and autistic strengths.
A big piece for me was accepting something I didn’t want to accept for a long time:
I have a disability in play here. I need support in ways other people don’t.
That brought up internalized ableism, masking, challenging my internalized ableism, and unmasking at the same time.
But the most helpful reframe wasn’t “I can’t.”
It was this:
Autism and ADHD—AuDHD—are presenting certain challenges because of how my brain is functioning. It doesn’t mean I give up. It means I need a different way in.
And when I hit a wall, I try to pair it with:
And I can do this thing over here.
That helps me remember I’m not broken. I’m just stuck on this thing, and I might need help or a workaround.
Support without shame
Sometimes my self-esteem dips because I can’t move through something that feels “basic,” like leaving the house to get food. There can be too many steps between me and the task, and those steps overwhelm me. Then I start to feel terrible about myself.
One shift for me has been giving myself permission to accept help.
Sometimes that looks like:
Today is a day I order takeout. I need lunch. I have meetings. I have inertia I can’t move through. I’m going to accept that I need that help today.
When I started making changes like that without feeling worse, it helped me ask a bigger question:
What else can I do? What else can I try?
Catching the low self-esteem moment early
On harder days, I still hear the old questions:
Why can’t I do this thing? Why can’t I do that thing?
The difference now is that I try to catch it early. I try to name it:
I’m having a low self-esteem moment.
And then I try to get specific:
What is the thing that’s causing this?
I used to let low self-esteem go off on a tangent—down a trail of negative thinking. And for the OCD parts of my brain, that can get really intense if I don’t keep it in check.
Now, when I’m frustrated—“Why can’t I just do this?”—I’ll often look up an article on whatever I’m struggling with. Because it’s almost always connected to autism, ADHD, or AuDHD in some way.
And learning more often helps me land on this:
It’s not that I’m a failure.
It’s not that I’m screwing up.
It’s not that I’m a horrible person.
It’s that my brain is not letting me do that thing today.
Then the question becomes:
What do I need? What’s a way around it?
Alexithymia and the body cues I watch for
I relate to alexithymia—difficulty identifying, describing, or even noticing emotions. Sometimes I can feel physical tension, exhaustion, or discomfort without realizing it’s connected to anxiety, grief, or overwhelm.
This happens to me a lot. I’ll notice tension in my body, but I can’t always identify why it’s happening.
And for me, if I’m feeling tension or I’m feeling unregulated, I want it dealt with immediately.
Sometimes I start with the simplest thing:
I’m feeling tension right now. I don’t know what it is, but I’m feeling it.
Then I try to observe it:
Where is it—shoulders, arms, legs?
And I try to connect dots:
What happened today or this week that could have caused this?
If it gets overwhelming, I talk to my therapist or a safe person until it surfaces and I can name it—or sometimes it passes.
This matters for self-esteem because when I feel “off,” my brain can immediately jump to:
What did I do wrong? Someone must be mad at me.
Then I spiral:
Did I let my team down? Did I screw up? Is my boss mad at me?
None of that is helpful.
Anchoring to what I know is true
When I feel myself spiraling, I try to anchor into something.
I return to:
What do I know is true?
My boss trusts me. We’ve had multiple conversations about the work I’m doing. If something was wrong, they would tell me. If my team has a problem, they usually let me know.
Sometimes I also need to break the loop by doing something else for 20 to 22 minutes:
- go for a walk
- work on something I know I’m good at
- a special project
- a special interest
Just enough to take a break from that drive.
Getting curious for my brain
Another thing I keep coming back to is curiosity.
What do I need for my specific brain and my specific needs?
Not what somebody else says I “should” do. Not finger-wagging advice.
I’m trying to figure out what works for me.
Taking the win: practicing pride
This is a big one.
I’m practicing being proud of myself.
Look at that thing I did. Look at that amazing thing I did. I did that on my own—or I did this with someone—and I’m proud of myself today.
Example: we had a huge snowstorm. I snow blew and shoveled my driveway. I helped a couple of neighbors. At the end of it, I took a minute to actually look at what I did.
I got up early. I had the energy. It was good exercise. I know how to use my snowblower—which wasn’t always the case. I made smart decisions. I used the strengths I do have in my AuDHD. I did a good job.
And I’m proud of myself for that.
I used to ruin accomplishments with “Well, I did that, but…”
I don’t do that anymore.
Take the win.
Even on days where the win is small—leaving the house, going to the post office, doing a normal task—I try to give myself credit. It’s helpful to get that pep talk from someone else, but it’s stronger when I give it to myself.
That’s part of what helps me manage self-esteem with my AuDHD.
The layoff piece (and what it wasn’t)
This question also came up for me again after being laid off a few months ago. When something like that happens, it’s easy to spiral into low self-esteem and start questioning everything.
But I have to remind myself:
That wasn’t related to me. That was a business decision. Other people were impacted. It was nothing that I did.
So I can’t let it become a self-esteem story.
Resources
- Neurodivergent Insights glossary: neurodivergentinsights.com
- Self-Care Activities for Autistic People card deck (Dr. Megan Anna Neff)
Thanks for reading. If there’s a question or topic you’d like me to talk about next, let me know. I read the comments.